Having had a couple of really great births since my first difficult one, I once again hoped for a great birth this time around however I was feeling so uneasy for the final trimester, and then when baby decided to chill out transverse at 35 weeks, I was trying to get my head around a potential ceaserian birth. This in one way was a relief for me, it is planned and organised enough for me to be able to run it through my head and prep for it. I did however spend alot of time doing spinning babies breech tilt, knowing that a svd would be better for baby vs a section. Well to my shock at 37 weeks, baby had turned head down without me realising somehow, leaving me back at trying to prep mentally for a SVD, as well as a potential induction, a source of alot of mental trauma carried from my first, as well as knowing the hospital is a constant trigger for me, given the death of my mum in ITU 2.5 years ago.
At the 37 weeks scan they decided that baby wasn't growing as well as she should, so that I should be induced at 38 weeks, due to the scan and gestational diabetes. I was pretty gutted as I was hoping to avoid induction, but not wanting to take any risk (although at the time I disagreed, given that the previous larger scan had been taken while baby is transverse) I tried to make the best of what I had, prepping, cooking, listening to hypnobirthing tracks. I had to have a couple of CTGs to keep her monitored in that week, and it unfortunately (and unexpectedly!) triggered off some huge emotions in the ctg bay due to the curtains and the way the room was laid out, the same as where my mum was rescussitated the first time, the midwives were very understanding and helped me by showing me the other bays in case I was in one for the next time, and the delivery rooms.
Then I had to try to ensure people were aware that the hospital is a difficult environment for me with the perinatal mental health midwife, who was really great and supportive, I stapled a note to my notes to ensure staff were aware that I could be triggered by beeping etc and everyone in induction and delivery did all they could to minimise triggers.
I designed a birth preferences plan the best I could in the circumstances, and it was signed off by the consultant midwife, and then all that was left was down to chance, which, didn't seem to be in my favour unfortunately!
I was called in Wednesday 26th in the afternoon and given the first gel around 6pm. Contractions kicked off pretty quickly and nicely, Oscar opted to stay in the car due to covid restrictions and the thinking that as I had laboured so fast last time, that it would be fast this time too.
Contractions were consistant and good and I wiggled and danced through what I could, trying to get baby's head a little lower as she was still high at this point. By about midnight both my induction room mates had gone to labour ward, but as baby's head was too high they couldn't break my waters without a doctor... Thus commensed a long wait.
By 3am I decided to lay down as the contractions had spaced a bit. Listened to my hypnobirthing tracks and tried to doze as best I could. I had a VE and was at 4cm and suggested I mobilised which I did but everything had stopped and by 4am I really didn't see the point anymore and lay down to sleep.
The labour ward had been so busy that night they had to move me from the induction ward to antenatal to use it as a postnatal bay. By this point Oscar had spent the whole night in the car and in the morning I told him to go home and sleep as nothing was happening. I spent the day trying to rest between CTGs etc.
At 3pm Thursday I was offered a sweep and I asked about going home. Oscar was booked for visiting at 4pm, I took the sweep and hoped it might do something naturally but alas no. Baby's head was still high, I took a walk around and did the stairs etc and Oscar joined me for visiting, and I got the call that they had a labour room for me to have my waters broken. So we headed in excited, little did we know it would just be another unfortunate night of no sleep. No doctors were available and we were told to wait in there, but the night passed and at 4am I buzzed and asked for blankets for Oscar as he was frozen and asked if there was news as to when. No news as they had to wait til it was safe with staff and doctors.
I took a bath, and at 5am-ish they came to put me on the CTG and said they would be breaking my waters soon. It was done with some difficulty at 6.45am or thereabouts, with a midwife pushing baby down into my pelvis manually while the doctor broke my waters.
I then had a couple of hours of mobilising before they examined me and broke another pocket of waters. They then offered me the drip and I asked for some more time before going for that, which was the right call as very shortly afterwards contractions began on their own -though all in my back despite all my leaning forward to get her in a good position. Around 10am, I made myself a 'nest' of beanbags and my pillow on the far side of the room breathed through them, used my hypnobirthing tracks, and had Oscar push on my hips throughout them. Things got intense very quickly and I had to move to use the gas and air. Soon after that I began to feel completely out of control, the baby felt low (but she wasn't!!) and the contractions were intense, I felt like I needed to push already. Baby was twisting and turning and making it feel worse between contractions.
One of the midwives had such a calm voice and kept me breathing when she could and rubbed my lower back which kept me going a while.
They moved me up to the bed to check where I had got to, and then said I was only at 6cm and I felt totally defeated. Fear kicked in and I couldn't understand why things felt so painful at only 6cms. I cried and got louder with the contractions. I didn't feel like I could carry on at that intensity and requested some pethedine. This was authorised by another midwife but at some point baby's heart rate dipped twice and they had people in to see what was happening. I was moved to my left side. I began to feel like something was wrong and felt more panicked. They couldn't give me the pethedine as the risk to her heart rate which had already dipped would not be good, although I didn't feel that way at the time, it was the right call at the time for Dulcie
I requested an epidural. They called for the Dr's but they were all in theatre. I requested a ceaserian as I had this overwhelming feeling something was wrong (which was correct, she was back to back with the cord looped around her neck)
I begged them to kill me. To hit me with a hammer over the head. The back pain was relentless, I didn't want to take anymore. When the Doctors were out of theatre I was at 8cms so too late for the epidural, this probably aided her turning from back to back as my mobility wasn't completely restricted, but again at the time was devastating for me - at this point I had given up and was convinced that perhaps I would just die anyway and they would rescue her and it would be done with. It was extreme and scary (in hindsight, it was probably transition, a particularly cruel one)
I was grateful that I had requested my mum's t-shirt for the labour in my birth choices and that the midwife had read it and draped it over me for a very small bit of comfort at the end - her smell.
Then somehow I felt I was pushing involuntarily, and her head crowned and delivered, I felt her turn and the rest of her was out and the relief was overwhelming, disbelief that I had actually survived it somehow and that the back pain was finally gone.
Our rainbow after ectopic, Dulcinea Ivy Marie 28th August 2020 12.54pm 7lb 2oz collected from the very depths of hell itself.
Her cord was wrapped around her neck which was unlooped very quickly by the midwife.
After waiting a few minutes Oscar cut the cord.
Her placenta was delivered with the injection, and did show signs of calcifying indicating that despite the difficulty of her not being engaged, induction was the correct choice as it was aging and perhaps scans were correct with the growth slowing.
I didn't feel like a champion like I had my other natural births. I felt a failure that I was so out of control. Actually, since being debriefed I have a better understanding of why everything happened as it did, and that my body did all that it could in the situation to deliver her safely. My body had pushed her down from high, as well her spinning round from back to back to the correct position in a fairly short space of time (around 3 ish hours from when contractions started after waters being broken) . It's no wonder it felt like hell, and despite all that my instincts were there and correct. The cause of the decels was the cord around her neck being compressed (also may be why I felt strongly against an ecv while she was transverse) in a way it was more an achievement that I survived it and got us both through it intact safely despite the difficult time I had.
I was in the same room as Noodle was born in, the pool was there and could have been used but wasn't (with her heart decels that probably wouldn't have worked anyway) it was even got ready for a post natal bath as I requested, but I couldn't bring myself to use it. Every plan I had in place I just threw away out of sheer exhaustion.
I suppose one thing which has come out of this is that I forgive myself a little more for my first birth - I thought perhaps I was weak to ask for an epidural but turns out sometimes labour is just really really horrible, especially a back labour which both M and Dulcie were.
Thankfully Dulcie passed her sugars easily and we were allowed home next day, we had a couple of lovely days at home before readmitting to Hospital for dehydration due to her not having a very effective suck when breastfeeding. The guilt is heavy that I didn't realise she wasn't getting enough from me and those 2 days in hospital sucked pretty bad with no sleep between feeds and expressing and guilt. (understatement)
Dulcinea is the most precious, chilled out little one you can imagine, how something so tiny can cause so much trouble I don't know. I am grateful that bonding has not been affected at all.
We did bring home her placenta for home education purposes, have printed and buried it under an apple tree in the garden which was something I wanted to do as I don't plan to do this again, so wanted to experience something different! I got to show the girls and tell them about it which was really great.
I didn't plan to lose a golf ball size piece of Placenta on day 18, thankfully a scan and antibiotics with no admission needed (didn't bury that piece though!!!)
Am thankful that my better births have shown me how wonderful it can be and that this isn't what it's always like. I am also so thankful for those around me who are and have supported me in various ways, be it with lactation support, milk donation, or by feeding me and helping me with the girls.
so that's it, hoping the rest of her childhood will be easier than that was 😂
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